[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
this is literally a CIA plant
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.