If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

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Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line


When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!


Me: u can walk around without shoes

Teacher: right

Me: but after a while it hurts your feet

Teacher: ok

Me: so time wounds all the heels


WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus


All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.


It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.


[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”


Well, well, well. If it isn’t that thing I told my wife I already did.


Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.