@freezingsheep

If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

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@AngryRaccoon2

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority

@joeljeffrey

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

@QwertyJones3

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

@AndrewsNotFunny

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

@daemonic3

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

@heatherlou_

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

@Lexiedeadpool

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…

@T_Bonezzz_

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

@CulturedRuffian

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.