Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.
Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
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When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me: u can walk around without shoes
Me: but after a while it hurts your feet
Me: so time wounds all the heels
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that thing I told my wife I already did.
Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.