If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

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“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.



“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority


My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.


“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???


I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese


WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries


I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly


That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…


I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too


That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.