“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.
Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
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“Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: responds poorly to authority
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.