Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.