Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

feetloaf

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

Jurassic park gets weird

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.