Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

Worlds greatest photobomb

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅