Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Cake safety first. Always.