Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

This is my bus stop.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.