They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
You Might Also Like
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
GOD: Give them wings but they can’t fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?