@TheDairylandDon

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

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@bigmacher

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

@imteddybless

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

@Browtweaten

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

@NikiWithIssues

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

@MourningGlory_

Whenever someone tells me they get a “high” from running, all I’m thinking is, “You’ve obviously never been high before.”

@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

@AndyAsAdjective

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

@dafloydsta

[creating penguins]
GOD: Give them wings but they can’t fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
ANGEL: Uhh..
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?