If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
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Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
wish me luck lads
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
umm…
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Oceanography is all about current events
Where’s my employee discount too?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Happy Taco Tuesday
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty