if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
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What a year we’ve had this week.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.