if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
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My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.