If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
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[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
A classic…
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.