If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!