Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems