Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Smooooooth

When they try to steal your moment.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

my favorite gender

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.