If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
is it earth
the clam before the storm
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
those birds must be on payroll
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no