Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

? 💀