If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
