If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.