if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Proctology is located in A55
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.