if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?