Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.