If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.