If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My age is news to me every single time I remember
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
You don’t even know
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.