If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
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The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying