If I ignore life will it go away?
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A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
