@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

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@KrunkedRobot

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@HoldinCoffeeld

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

@EmberToAsh

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

@PinkCamoTO

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@noog

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

@fro_vo

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july