If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….


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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.


Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.


Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.


My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.


Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.


Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.


One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.


so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july