If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….


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Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.


I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…


Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors


[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint]
“Would you like a Wet-Nap?”
No thanks, I had one this afternoon.


You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?


The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them


The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.


Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.