@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

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@Underchilde

Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.

@WilliamAder

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

@RodLacroix

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

@TheToddWilliams

[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint]
“Would you like a Wet-Nap?”
No thanks, I had one this afternoon.

@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?

@Arr

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

@neerjagurnani

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

@tchrquotes

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.