If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
pls suprot
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Breaking news:
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
ACED my prostate exam!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.