Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Is this you?

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Friends that check up on you >

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

New menu item

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?