Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming