If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I love art.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Okey dokey.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file