Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Banking tips

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Let’s Go

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3