If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
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saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Only short people can save us
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
How to woo a woman
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger