If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
You Might Also Like
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“What?”
– Jude
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏