If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Sell your car
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.