If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
And now we wait
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…