Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.