If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt