If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
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Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.