Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What about second breakfast?

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”