Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.