If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
dream blunt rotation
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?