Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.