Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?