If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
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idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
How do you like your Corgi?
