Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

The United Steaks of America

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.