If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
notice
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you