ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.
“Age is just a number “
Yeah and prison is just a room
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?