If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!