Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.