Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?