If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
how long have you had this for?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
The pen is writier than the sword.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?