If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes