If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.