If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
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guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
wtf is an acronym
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]