If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
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Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
reviewed some movies recently
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast