If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Tuesday
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you