Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

you’re damn right i have

whatcha thinkin bout

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

real

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????