“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The dark side of Canada
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue