“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

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*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape



DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said


Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.


[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?


I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.


The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.


me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first


Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.


I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.


You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby