“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
May never get over this
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”