@putyoursisterd1

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

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@hardlyrelevant

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

@TheToddWilliams

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

@david8hughes

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

@MaidOfBeans

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

@juliussharpe

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.

@girlnarly

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

@awescar

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

@KKBowls

I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.

@flashember

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby