Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.