If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Become ungovernable.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Potatoes were such a good idea
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
This cat wants you to take your pills
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes