If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.