If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”