If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Simple enough.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
You wish you had this many chins.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.