If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout