If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint