If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
This one’s “Alex”.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
