If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I’d … I’d rather not.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.