If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
*ernest hemingway voice*
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work