If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
You Might Also Like
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Sending in my taxes
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.