If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
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I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Is this you?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!