If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.