If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
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*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
hmm conte-me mais
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.