If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
True
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”