If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
You Might Also Like
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
