If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
s
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.