If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
😅🤣😂
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Roses are red
Violets are blue
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“FOUND ‘EM!”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?