Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.