@laughandrun

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.

Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.

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@GrabTheWEness

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

@sixfootcandy

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

@markleggett

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.

@drewtoothpaste

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

@ArfMeasures

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

@Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

@BeardedRambles

Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
W: …
M: …
W: …
M: Whiskey.

@KPMoore8

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂