If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.

Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.

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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?


Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.


MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?


museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them


Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no


The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.


Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
W: …
M: …
W: …
M: Whiskey.


My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂