If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.
Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.
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Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂