Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Tremendous stuff

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.