If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Jogging
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.