Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.