Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

So we got a goldfish…

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

No, I don’t think I will.

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Have kids, they said

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.