Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

how was your vacation

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours